Counting Down the Days

I miss Bruno terribly. He surprised me this weekend by showing up in College Station while I was there visiting my brother with my parents. I was so shocked to see him; I didn't even know how to react. I just sort of stared at him for a second before blurting out "What are you doing here?!" I was so happy to see him, though. The teary goodbye the Wednesday prior just wasn't enough. It was nice to spend the weekend with him. Just to see him again was such a blessing. We were even fortunate to spend the last night together in each other's arms. Sure, it was on the floor of JJ's room with my parents in the bed beside us, but I'll take what I can get. I don't know what I'm going to do without that boy for five months.

In other news, I've started my wedding planning. My friend Ashley gave me her old wedding planning books after she got married and I've accumulated quite a collection of wedding magazines over the past year or so, but I left them all in Fort Worth. I'm really regretting it now. Tomorrow, I think I'm going to run to the bookstore and buy some new ones, I guess. I really need to start planning while I'm in the Philippines. It can't wait until I get back in March, especially because Bruno is wanting to do it soon after I return.

We were talking about an approximate date on the phone yesterday night, and we're having difficulty coming to a decision. As much as I would like to marry soon, especially to avoid complications his service in the Army might cause, it just doesn't appear plausible to me. First of all, we can't afford it. I won't be working while I'm out of the country, and he's currently job-hunting. The only income he has right now is from ROTC, which will all be going to bills while I'm away. Second of all, that wouldn't leave me much time to plan. I don't think he realizes how much this wedding will cost and how much time and effort we must put into planning it.

I really would prefer a fall wedding, as it's my favorite season, but I'd be willing to settle for winter. Fall 2010 would be nice and I'm sure Bruno would agree, but, as I said, there's no way we'll have enough money at that time and I would only have five or so months to plan when I get back from the Philippines. I was hoping Fall 2011 would be better, as it would give us more time to plan and save without drawing out the engagement ridiculously long; however, after speaking to Bruno I learned that he'll be leaving for BOLC (Basic Officer Leadership Course, basically his branch-specific training that lasts several months) in Summer 2011.

I spoke to my best friend, and he feels that Fall 2010 is too early but Fall 2011 is too late. He suggested Spring 2011, but I really despise Texas springtime. I hate spring to begin with - the colors, the fashion, everything - but in Texas, spring weather is far too unpredictable and I was starting to consider an outdoor wedding reception.

I'm beginning to think Winter 2010 would be our best option. Not the best option, as I see it being inconvenient for our guests, but if that's what we have to do.

I just don't know what to do. I'm so overwhelmed. I don't even know who to ask to be my bridesmaids. I don't even know who to ask to be my Maid of Honor! I don't have many female friends. My best friend who I've been through everything with and who I know I can depend on is a guy. It's really frustrating.

Then, it's even more difficult because I can't talk to my mom about it. She wasn't happy with the engagement, so I'm scared to push too hard. I'm hoping we can discuss it more during the trip.

I'm having trouble talking to Bruno about it as well. He's always so apathetic to everything. I express my financial concerns with him, and instead of discussing our options with me, all he can give me is a "Don't worry, we'll figure it out." How can I not worry? I'll spend months not worrying until the day is finally here and nothing is planned and we have no money. I just wish he would be practical and realize that this is something we need to talk about. Ignoring it won't make it go away, nor will it make money suddenly appear out of nowhere.

I have the feeling I'm going to be on my own for this - a bit depressing considering this is the beginning of our life together.