Is this love?

I'm crying my eyes out right now. I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought finances would be the only major obstacle in planning this wedding, but apparently that isn't so. Judging from our last few conversations, trying to talk to Bruno about the wedding is even worse. I want so badly to include him in the planning. I can't handle doing everything myself. Not only that, but I don't want it to just be about me. I want his opinions and his insight as well. I try to give him a couple of ideas about what he likes better, but all he ever says is how stupid it all is. If it's so stupid, then why are we even getting married? I just...I don't know. I can't even think right now. I can hardly even see my computer screen through all the tears. How could he take something so wonderful and so happy and twist it into something so horrible? I've dreamed about this for years. I want nothing more than to marry him, and just thinking about the wedding fills me with so much excitement and happiness that only a bride-to-be can feel. But he just has a way of shooting it all down. I'm trying so desperately to plan something beautiful and wonderful, and it's like he doesn't even care.

For instance, just now, we got in an argument. I don't even know how. We were talking about wedding stuff, and I told him that I'm looking at Save the Date ideas. He asked me what "Save the Date" means, so I explained it to him and told him my ideas. What does he say? He tells me that it's stupid, and he asks why we can't just send out emails. I try to explain to him that emails in regard to any part of the wedding are considered tacky and in bad taste. He throws a fit because apparently I'm being the unreasonable one.

He hates the idea of trashing the dress. He thinks it's stupid and insulting. First of all, I thought I made this clear, but I have no intention of completely destroying my dress. The idea is called "trash the dress" but more often than not, and especially if you're careful and have it cleaned afterward, the dress comes out just fine. Somehow he's gotten the idea that I want to set my dress on fire. I never said that. I said that other people do. I want to take romantic beach photos in mine. Is that so wrong? It won't ruin it anymore than it would if I were to have a beach wedding. Sure, the bottom will get a little wet and sandy, but that's why you take it to the cleaner afterward. It's not like it's even his dress anyway, but he knows that he throws a big enough fit about it that I won't do it because I never do anything that I know would make him unhappy.

He hates the idea of a groom's cake. He thinks it's stupid and pointless. I'm sorry that I grew up in the south, where groom's cakes are a part of the tradition. Maybe they don't have them in New Mexico, but it's something that I would like to incorporate into our wedding. He says it's just a waste of money, but it doesn't even have to be a fancy cake. Hell, I could bake it my own damned self. It's just the tradition of it, and he doesn't understand, nor is he willing to try to understand.

He hates the idea of hiring a wedding photographer. He thinks it's a waste of money and a ripoff. He thinks that we should just have people we know take photos for us. I told him before that the most important part of the wedding to me is the photos. I know it's unreasonable to hire a ridiculously expensive photographer, but I still want to hire one. And he needs to realize that photographers are expensive. He needs to realize that weddings are expensive.

The average American wedding costs $27,000. That's a lot of money, and we have nowhere near that much. When we first started talking about wedding plans, the first thing I did was try to talk to him about our finances so we could set a budget. What did he do? Throw a fit.

I'm usually a shopaholic, but I've stopped and have really been trying to save money for this. When I get back home, I'm going to be working my ass off so that we will have enough money to make this thing happen. What is he doing right now? Eating out and going out all the time and wasting money on stupid things.

I hate the way he's been treating me. Sometimes he can be so sweet, but when he's mean, he is mean. He says the most horrible things even when he doesn't mean it just because he knows it will make me the most upset.

Why is everything so 'stupid' and 'pointless' to him? Is that all this wedding is? 'Stupid' and 'pointless'?

It's all so ridiculous, it makes me frustrated, and, even worse, it breaks my heart. The way he treats me and the way he treats the wedding planning process is unbelievable. I try to be reasonable, even when he's cussing and getting angry with me, and explain how I feel when he blows everything off and calls everything 'stupid'. I try to tell him how much it hurts me, but he still continues to insist that he's right and that I'm the one being irrational. I just don't know what to do anymore. We aren't even talking right now because I was crying and so upset that I asked him to just leave me alone if he wanted to continue hurting my feelings. Did he apologize? Did he change the subject? Did he stop arguing and actually listen to me long enough to see how much he was hurting me? No. He said "fine" and that he has things to do anyway, then left. Because apparently talking to your fiance one of the few times you actually get to talk to her while she's on the other side of the world is not on his list of things to do and is only cutting into his time.

I love that man so much, but I don't even think he realizes how much he's hurting me. If he finds marrying me so horrible, then I don't understand why he doesn't just call it off. I never will, no matter how badly he treats me. I'll keep taking it and asking for seconds.